The Parallel Worlds of Dating and Housing
As a single man in mid-40s living in the bustling urbanized landscape of mid-Atlantic America, the world of online dating bears striking resemblance to the post-pandemic housing market. I vividly recall placing a bid for $60,000 over the listing price for a house in suburban Philly. Following the realtor’s advice, I even enclosed pictures of my twin girls and a personalized letter explaining how this dream home will make us blissful!
Alas, the seller chose another bid, a staggering $100,000 over the listing price. I don’t blame them as I would have done the same by taking the best offer.
I still rent. And I’m still single! But neither status has been for the lack of trying.
While I’m still hopeful about buying a house at some point (when it makes economic sense to do so), I’ve given up all hope to find a soulmate and embraced the reality of my solitary existence.
My Dating Experience
Last year marked the end of a 17-year chapter as my wife and I parted ways. After so long, we both delved back into the online dating sphere in our pursuit of a more fulfilling relationship than we were in. Despite the end of a romantic connection, our camaraderie endured as tea-mates and co-parents. We have become confidants, exchanging insights and anecdotes on the intricacies of dating life. It’s intriguing how the experiences can be so different between men and women, with distinct advantages and challenges for each gender.
For my ex-wife, the journey so far has been remarkably rewarding. As an alluring woman, she garnered overwhelming interest on dating platform, amassing over 1,000 likes within a few days. Since then, she’s embarked on some meaningful connections with captivating and accomplished men. Her last suitor was a standup comedian, and her current suitor is an asset management executive—both attractive, and notably younger than herself. While it remains to be seen how her romantic connections pan out in the long-term, so far her reception in the dating realm resembles a star-studded affair.
In stark contrast, my own journey has been much less overwhelming—both before and after meeting potential matches.
Pre-meeting, I find myself struggling to garner a strong interest from women who I find attractive and that align with my wavelength. Sometimes even after week-long stimulating conversations and/or scheduling a date, they just disappear. The more attractive a woman, the more one-sided the experience feels. It’s as though there is an expectation to repeatedly follow-up and chase after them, which may likely be because there are 10 other men chasing after them.
Post-meeting, my experience feels nothing short of a sales job. Over the course of 50 first dates, 15 progressed into successive dates with 4 of them forming into short-term relationships that each lasted a couple of months. None of these blossomed into the enduring connection I sought—either because I wasn’t treated right, or my interest in them dwindled. The majority of them were not even my preferred choice.
The women that I gravitated towards the most shot me down after the first or second dates. One woman went on to say that she feels a great connection after our first date, but having recently come out of a relationship she would prefer to go on 4-5 dates (or should I say, auditions) before deciding on who to continue going out with. Another said she hasn’t been in a relationship since 2017 as there aren’t enough good men out there (including me, I take it).
A Dose of Reality Check
The whole experience left me grappling with shattered confidence. Despite being well-educated and professionally successful, having a tall stature and athletic build with photofeeler ratings between 7 and 8, and having an amiable demeanor and clear background—I find myself unable to captivate the women that I could fall for.
I wondered if I was doing something horribly wrong. So, I reached out to some of my failed dates and checked if it was something I said that perhaps offended them, but every single time I was told it was just the lack of chemistry or some other thinly veiled pretext for them having better options.
Thereafter I talked to other singles and joined dating communities to find out that I’m not alone. Most men are having a tough time in finding a romantic connection while many have given up all hopes in the process. I had no idea how bad the situation was until I started dating myself.
Much like the post-pandemic housing market, the dating arena mirrors an imbalance that has left men in loneliness while women navigate a landscape inundated with choices. This isn’t an indictment of women but rather a reflection of human nature’s inherent opportunism. After all, it’s not women’s fault that there are lot more men out there desperately chasing after them—further deterring the women and exacerbating the gender imbalance, thus creating a vicious cycle.
Attitudinal Shifts Over Time
The transformation of societal norms and attitudes among both men and women is deeply rooted in the opportunistic shifts over time.
History has not been kind to women. Portrayed in “Game of Thrones” and many other period dramas, women were long treated as objects of interest and used for childbearing. This persisted well into the 20th century. By the end of the two world wars in 1945, the gender ratio became significantly skewed, with 81 males for every 100 females. Men were in high demand. Compounding the issue, women remained largely dependent on men for their livelihoods. This solidified the iconic image of the female homemaker—a woman who was not only attractive and intelligent but also loving, caring and loyal to her husband.
If you grew up watching romantic movies of the ‘70s and ‘80s, you likely harbor this image of women, believing they were submissive and loyal to their husbands by choice. While this may have been true for some, for most, it was not a matter of choice but rather one of dependance—a dependence that still persists in some women who are homemakers or reliant on their husbands.
Fast forward to 2024, and the ratio of men to women has evened out and, and in most demographics, even flipped. More importantly, from a dating perspective, the ratio of single men to single women actively seeking relationships is highly skewed with more males. Furthermore, the vast majority of women have transformed themselves into being fiercely independent and more educated and professionally qualified than their male counterparts.
Bolstered by dating stats in their favor and freed from necessity of relying on men, women now hold a considerable advantage in relationships—both current and prospective. Consequently, they exercise their freedom to choose to stay with or select a partner who is attractive and tall, shows his gentle side by doing the laundry and dishes, his masculine side by fixing the pipes, his romantic side by taking them on dates and picking up the tab, and his dominant side by bringing financial stability.
The tables have indeed turned!
Impact of Gender Skewness
Upon first hearing about gender skewness, I naively wondered how grim the stats can be. Turns out, for men, pretty grim!
According to Pew Research, in the 30-49 age group, 27% of men are single compared to a significantly lower 19% of women [see left chart].
But brace yourself because the stats gets a lot worse!
Overall, 61% of the single men are actively seeking dates, while only a miniscule 38% of single women are doing the same [see right chart].
Let’s break down these numbers for a clearer picture. For someone like me, a 45-year-old male:
- Out of every 1000 men, 270 (27% of 1000) are single, and of these, 165 (61% of 270) are looking to date.
- Conversely, out of every 1000 women, 190 (19% of 1000) are single, and of these, only 72 (38% of 190) are seeking dates.
This means there are only 72 women for every 165 men looking to date, translating to about 4 women for every 10 men. These statistics shed light on why most dating apps struggle with an overwhelming male-to-female ratio is their user base.
What’s truly appalling is that most women remain completely oblivious of these statistics and the privileges they enjoy as a result. My date who hadn’t been in a relationship since 2017 under the pretext that there aren’t enough single men was left in somewhat of a shock when I shared the real stats with her. And she got another shock when I suggested splitting the check after she refused to even glance in the general direction of the check once the server dropped it off, despite indulging in a few cocktails and ordering seafood for herself and (highly recommending) a rabbit for me at an upscale restaurant that she selected close to her place and an hour away from me. Well, that was my verse of “equality,” which she may not have taken in good spirits. I felt bad for the rabbit, though.
The Vicious Cycle
While the shifting dynamics may seem a win-win for women on the surface, it’s not all smooth sailing for them either. Driven by a sense of competition and having set extremely high expectations, women are evaluating all possible options to find the best possible partner. However, this pursuit comes with its own set of challenges, some of which are quite severe, particularly concerning safety.
The imbalance between supply and demand has led to a growing population of frustrated and disgruntled men. Drawing from my ex’s own experiences, she had to meticulously screen through numerous suitors before finding one who not only met her criteria but, more importantly, made her feel secure and didn’t exhibit anger issues. While she considers herself fortunate thus far, many women aren’t as lucky.
Oftentimes, women find themselves unwittingly drawn to the most handsome or cute -looking guy at the bar, overlooking warning signs of a penchant for casual encounters, excessive drinking, or indications of underlying anger issues. Unfortunately, these realizations often come too late, leaving women feeling disillusioned and hurt.
These challenges contribute to a growing trend of women opting out of the dating pool altogether due to frustration or emotional distress, thereby exacerbating the existing gender imbalance in dating.
The Role of Love in Matchmaking
Lovebirds often reminisce, “We just fell in love.” When I started dating a year back, I found that cute! Now I find that mythical!
Most men and women have become incredibly practical as the online dating apps seem to have changed the game by overloading us with options after options to swipe on. Many of us have become like kids in a candy store, unable to resist the prospect of finding someone better and validating our dating worth.
In that context, prospective men and women have become numerical scores—amalgamations of their attractiveness, profession, intelligence, education, wealth, power, age, demeanor, and treatment of their significant other. While individuals may weigh these factors differently, consciously or not, we are always rating ourselves and each other, looking for the best possible (or highest scoring) partner that we can find to validate our own dating worth.
Setting Expectations (as Men)
Now, gentlemen, it’s time to level-set and adjust expectations—not by a little, by a LOT. Let’s not mince words here; the statistics are telling: less than 4 women for every 10 men.
To better illustrate, I’ve taken the liberty of grading humans like financial bonds, given the highly commoditized nature of the dating world.
Imagine we spread the 10 available men across the grading spectrum, from AAA to D.
Now, let’s do the same for the 4 available women, ranging from AA to D. Understandably, the AAA women are either already taken or “prioritizing” themselves.
So, based on this skewed supply of single men and women, here’s what the matchmaking landscape might resemble:
And herein lies the bitter truth: single men at or below the median—whether due to a modest income or average looks—are most likely to remain single, while their female counterparts with similar scores, attract partners well above the median.
Who said life is fair?
Rise of Feminism
As a girl father and someone who believes that women must receive equal rights, I’m naturally a feminist. However, I believe that feminism in dating and relationships has gradually transformed into something else—a power grab with an opportunistic twist.
During one of my first dates, my companion expressed how much she was enjoying my company. Though I didn’t share the same sentiment and had no intention of going out again, I stayed on to be polite. She went on to talk about how her dating experience has been disappointing due to scarcity of good men. She showed me profiles of other matches on her phone and ridiculed them by saying “Look, this is your competition!” Ironically, they were not that far off from her league.
Most women fail to realize—let alone acknowledge—their advantageous position in the dating pool due to gender imbalances among singles. They have been conditioned to perceive that even the superior matches they attract are subpar to them, while continuously seeking higher standards.
Feminism has undoubtedly progressed, evolving from a term barely in existence a decade ago to a ubiquitous topic in both the workplace and social discourse. Yet, isn’t it odd that no masculine equivalent of feminism has even been coined? Is a man’s life so flawless across all facets that there’s no need for a term acknowledging potential inequalities, particularly in realms like dating?
Now, the onus falls on men to decide: accept their fate and settle for who (if any) they can find and however they are treated, or embrace a life of singledom—a path many women have confidently chosen to their benefit.